"Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!"
Steve Martin.

"On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'."
Paul Merton.

"In an underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a developed country don't breathe the air."
Jonathan Raban.

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Dan Quayle.

"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood."
Bob Hope.

"My first rule of travel is never to go to a place that sounds like a medical condition and Critz is clearly an incurable disease involving flaking skin."
Bill Bryson.

"Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there."
Yakov Smirnoff.

"Of course America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up."
Oscar Wilde (...more Oscar Wilde Quotes).

"He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian."
Woody Allen (...more Woody Allen Quotes).