"He once had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar."
Mike Harding.

"I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine."
HL Mencken.

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."
George Burns.

"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."
Mick Miller.

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams.

"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."
Will Rogers.

"Real ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk."
Christopher Howse.

"I am a drinker with writing problems."
Brendan Behan.