"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list."

"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go.""

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

"I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it."

"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!"