"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."

"Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'."

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.""