"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
"Cross country skiing is great if you live
in a small country."
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep
and you know it will be up all night."
"Babies don't need a vacation but I still see
them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What
are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington
for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent
press? I don't get it."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you
have the time."
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while
I was a suspect."
"All of the people in my building are insane.
The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic
cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department
store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give
me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down
everything in the store.""