"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."

"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."