"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."