"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."

"I speak Esparanto like a native."

"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."

"Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum."

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

"You silly twisted boy."

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it ."