"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Here"

"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."

" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."