"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks.

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman.

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips (...more Emo Philips Quotes).

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr.

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan (...more Spike Milligan Quotes).

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson.