"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats
always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast
on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright (...more
Steven Wright Quotes).
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails
continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where
have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is
going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently
three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe
hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe
through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey.
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through
the leather straps."
Emo Philips (...more
Emo Philips Quotes).
"If your parents never had children, chances are
you won't either."
Dick Cavett.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you
walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a
T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't
your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body
before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.
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