"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited."
"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman.
Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally
"If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making
a living asking Do you want fries with that?"
"If God did not intend for us to eat animals,
then why did he make them out of meat?"
"When we hold a World Championship for a particular
sport, we invite teams from other countries to play,
as well." (on the differences between Americans
and the English)
"I used to desire many, many things, but now
I have just one desire, and that's to get rid of all
my other desires."
"Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation
- look - please try to understand before one of us
"The English contribution to world cuisine
- the chip."
"The one thing I remember about Christmas was
that my father used to take me out in a boat about
ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to
have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual.
Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult
bit was getting out of the sack."
"Technology frightens me to death. It's designed
by engineers to impress other engineers, and they
always come with instruction booklets that are written
by engineers for other engineers - which is why almost
no technology ever works."