"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it."

"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"On Opening Day, the President doesn’t throw OUT the first ball. He throws it IN. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it."

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"Imagine how thick Japanese people’s photo albums must be."

"Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?"

"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."