"Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"What year did Jesus think it was?"

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"

"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."

"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"

"If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?"

"If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein’s army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large."