"I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left."

"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read."

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit."

"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."