"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

"I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it."

"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch."

"First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did."

"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

"If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it."

"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

"I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something."

"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now— I'm booked."