"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."

"At my age flowers scare me."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."

"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it."

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

"A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible."

"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman— or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."