"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."

"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."

"It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker."

"Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats."

"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."