"I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats."

"I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night."

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

"I've never been an intellectual but I have this look."

"In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows."

"If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'"

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."