"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

"I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her."

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."

"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."

"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."

"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."

"I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!"

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."

"I am two with nature."