"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."

"A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires."

"And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room."

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

"Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak."

"Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"

"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."