Submitted
by: (Joel Adamson)
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold,
turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas
cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas
message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones,
fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee
for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday
Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will
be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned
seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's
sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange
slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with
worthless stock.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen
engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making
many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented
with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend
in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight
in that country.
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