donndani
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Jul 11, 2008, 3:50 AM
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Don Reaux-stand up comedian from Pearland, TX
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Here is his start-up routine:
Hi! My name is Don Reaux(pronounced row) and I'm a comedian. Take my name for instance. It kept me single for 45 years. I guess because I wanted to name my kids Fay or Ima Fay Reaux, Zo Reaux or he could use his initial and be a nothing or Skid Reaux. But my favorite names was first, second, third,...last...
There are three professions where lying is part of their work. Lawyers because you either have prosecutors or defense lawyers or plaintiff or defense lawyers and they all claim to be right. So statistics would tell you 50% are lying.
The second profession is doctors. How many times do doctors tell us we are going to be all right and get sicker. I had one doctor who was honest with me and he said, Mr. Reaux, "When you turn 50 you lose three things: the first is your memory and, and, uh, ....I can't remember the other two."
There was a very wealthy Jew who had a beautiful wife but was impotent. He went to two doctor friends of his and offered them $5 million if they could improve his sex life. They discussed it between them and told the Jew, "We can dissect a testicle from each of us and we would still be okay and we would give you a testicle transplant" The Jew agreed and paid them the $5 million in advance.
The doctors operated on each other and then called in the Jew for the transplant. They put the Jew on a gurney and put the testicles in a cup on the gurney and on the way to the operating room, the cup and testicles fell and were lost.
The doctors started operating and removed the raisin sized testicles from the Jew and then when they reached for their testacles, they discovered there loss. "What can we do?" One of the doctors said, "Let's put something in there and skip town". So one of the doctors found some onions in the refrigerator and whittled them down to the size of testicles and proceeded with the operation.
The doctors left town and one had to come back and wound up confronting the Jew. Unable to avoid him, the doctor said, "How are you doing?" And the Jew said, "Great, my sex life is great, but I have three questions to ask you."
The doctor sheepishly asked what and the Jew said, "First, why is it every time I make love to my wife she gets heartburn, second, she starts crying and finally, everytime I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard on.
And now, what's the third profession? Why comedians of course. Like what is the two most common words used by a comedian? TRUE STORY!!! As a kid I've always learned that a "story" was a lie so comedians are really talking about true lies.
Back to me for a moment, I came near death three times. Once, I was hit by a car and saw the 'white light' and maybe my maker, another time I went into a 10 day diabetic coma and lost 80 pounds going from 240 pounds to 160 pounds. The doctors declared me "brain dead" and wanted my wife to allow them to pull the plug. You know what they can do when you are declared brain dead? They can remove your organs!!!!
I'm firmly against that. What will happen when Judgement Day comes and God says, "Will Don Reaux stand up?" And five people rise. Then God will say, your heart and lungs can go to heaven, I'm going to send your kidneys to purgatory and your liver is going to HELL for shore!!
by Don Reaux redroseink@sbcglobal.net
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