Story boarding and needed help. what do you think.
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I vaulted the railing and rolled to prevent my bones breaking after the ten foot drop, landing among the combatants, I cursed his name while trying to recover from what could be called suicide. Searching for Kormach I caught the wrist of someone trying to punch me and slammed my palm just above the elbow, forcing him to his knees. I wrenched his arm up behind his back and sent him reeling into a pair of advancing thugs who fell under his stumbling charge. I ripped my shirt off and left it on the floor, swearing silently under my breath Hearing rapid footsteps behind me, I turned to see someone flying towards me, his foot outstretched. I flung my hand out and grabbed at his ankle while slamming my palm into his leg just above his knee and swung him at the three I'd knocked over earlier, making a small, groaning pile . Still looking for Kormach, I crushed the nerve cluster of another would-be assailant and shoved him into the padded wall. A calm spot in the battle allowed me a small glimpse of Kormach fighting at the other end of the arena. I made my way in his general direction and lost all sense of effort and just punched the next combatant in the stomach before sending him reeling with an uppercut to his face. About ten meters away from him I noticed the ring of unconscious, injured or otherwise incapacitated combatants lying around him as he picked up an oncoming opponent, swung him around a bit then hammer threw him into four others trying approach him. I ran up to him and put my hand on his shoulder, nodding I went back to work on the crowd. Kormach was taller, bigger, and much stronger than myself, but did not have the intensive training in street fighting, par kour and human anatomy, all of which gave me a huge advantage over my opponents. Kormach had learnt to use his body weight and strength to his advantage by physically lifting his opponents off the floor and either swinging them into other fighters or just throttling them into submission. Meanwhile I struck at their vulnerable points and nerve clusters to subdue them quickly so I could either move onto my next opponent or use them against other attackers with minimal effort. Standing together we did not form a formidable team, but an unstoppable area of pain and destruction that left many of its victims crying for mercy long after we had left them, in the fear that we might come back. The one rule in the arena was once someone was eliminated you left them alone, and it was well enforced. I swiveled on the ball of my left foot and planted my right foot in an opponent’s abdomen with enough force that I pushed off it into a back flip and completely by luck dodged the blow sent at my back. As I landed I bent my legs to cushion the blow as I landed and used the built up tension to explode outwards, uncoiling me like a spring, launching my shoulder into my opponents exposed back as he struggled to turn to meet me in time. Slamming him into the floor I pulled his right arm up to his neck and placed my knee at the base of his spine causing him to scream in agony as two messages hit his brain at the same time. I smiled at the small satisfaction this classic elimination brought me. Standing up I realized me, Kormach and the last victim he had pinned against the wall had just qualified for the intersexes final as there was no more opposition. We walked through the door in the side of the arena; this led to a smaller ring with more padding and higher walls. Directly across from us were the opposition, a group of thirteen or fourteen girls of varying age, most over fifteen, and height, most over 5ft 6”. As they advanced towards the center of the circle they split into four groups, two of five one of two, and one by herself. The group of two consisted of Rachel; 5ft 7”, blond hair down to her upper back, with green eyes, Isabel; 5ft 4”, neck length, French styled black hair with red high lights. Both were wearing tracksuits as skirts would be either to long and get in the way, or be to short and reveal to much if put in certain positions found often here. Despite this Rachel was wearing a skirt over her trousers; I wasn’t sure if she was even trying to make a point or if she just liked doing it. The one girl ran at me and I went to intercept her as Kormach took care of the last opponent from the previous arena by throwing him back through the still closing doors. I ran forward about five meters before stopping and observing her approach pattern, she was charging. The fact that this amateur had managed to make it through the five qualifying astounded me, she was charging at a prepared fighter hoping to scare me into inaction as she came within striking range she took off into a fly kick, ignoring the stupidity of this I bowed under her wild kick and drew my arm back so my palm was parallel to my shoulder. They say when you’re in combat and adrenaline is pumping through your veins, time slows down and you see every thing through a red haze and you had enough time to do anything. This is not true, time only appears to slow down and then you realize there’s nothing you can do to change what’s happening. I watched the realisation dawn on her face as she came to terms with what was going to happen. Her body came in range and I pushed my hand down pushing off her and into the air. I placed my right foot on her ribcage and jumped smashing her into the ground and unconsciousness while sending me about 7ft in the air. For some reason instead of letting me finish this pretty impressive stunt by performing an immaculate landing, Kormach found it necessary to snatch me out the air. “You said no theatrics, no time for them you said, yet here you are acting your pathetic arse off just to impress the girls; now shut the hell up, stop acting and do something about the sea of oestrogen coming this way.” “I said nothing I’m not even supposed to be here, if it wasn’t for your stupid antics with those guys in there I would already be at home changing for group.” I yelled going along with it. This was an old trick used in street fighting all the time but to my knowledge had never been used in an arena bout. It was simple make them think you were going to rip yourselves apart then attack them, in our case it meant Kormach throwing me at them and me tearing them apart. Kormach was jabbering on about something but I was checking the effect our charade was having on the advancing hoard. They were slowing down, and looking puzzled at our increasingly violent display. They stopped about two meters away and seemed to be discussing what to do, as I watched they started to split them selves into four groups of two, which meant Rachel and Isabel were distracting two. They seemed decided and started to move out to surround us during this brief moment of anger. “Shut. Up. Or do you want me to bring up Jim bob.” As I shouted this my face started to go red, this was a special effect as the previous sentence was the signal for him to pick me up spin me around and throw me into their ranks. I have often wondered why he spun me round, he said it was better for distance, but I reckon he just got a sick sense of enjoyment out of causing me pain and discomfort. Kormach roared, lunged forward, grabbed my torso in both hands, spun round and threw me spinning into the crowd of bemused girls, sending them reeling all over the floor. I stood up and stumbled under a kick from a girl by accident, because my vision swam and caused me to doubt my surroundings I thought about closing my eyes but it didn’t work, I had done it before, and it left me open to attack. I jumped forward a brought my foot down half way up a girls leg, I heard the cartilage crackle and the bones crack as my foot went towards the ground bringing her with it. Spinning round I brought my hands up just in time to deflect a jab to my face from what was possibly the largest girl I had ever seen, the blow was still enough to knock me from my feet and send me into the grasp of two girls who had moved in behind me. Trying to prise my way free I forced myself to my feet before my assailant came to help them and once again forced me to the ground. I strained against them but could only move a little at a time, I had about ten seconds before this was counted as elimination and no one was going to get here in time, I wasn't going to panic, I was going to get angry. "I will give you to the count of three to get up." I said it in a perfectly normal voice, but the pent up rage and annoyance at the world in general was already beginning to course through my veins. By the time I said one my head was pounding, my body felt as if it were on fire, my vision hazed and the world seemed smaller. by the time I said three I could feel my pulse throughout my body, beating a steady rhythm, getting faster and faster, on three I stood up as if through water, the speed enough to send the girls who had been mocking me rolling across the floor away from me. Then I collapsed and lay on the floor until I heard the crowd watching counting me out. Not wanting to give them the satisfaction I flipped to my feet fighting down a wave of nausea. Looking round I assessed the scene, Rachel and Issy had beaten their opponents and were coming towards me, Kormach had joined in, which is why those three girls didn’t come back while I was laying down. Of the ten original fighters set against us only five were still standing and two of those were injured. I saw a duelist going to attack Rachel in the back while she fought someone else. I felt my legs start moving and watched myself practically fly across the intervening space and take out the threat to her before she had any idea she was there. Rachel turned round to see me pummeling the poor girl into the wall, before lifting her up off the floor and throwing her down. She didn’t stand back up. “Anton what did you do that for, I can handle myself” Rachel’s tone of voice cut through any feelings I might have had and forced me to defend my actions. “You mean I should have let her club you into the ground and watch her eliminate you.” “Well no, I mean…” Her face showed no change but her softened tone betrayed her. “Well next time your about to be clubbed round the back of your head I’ll stand back and watch.” “Fine.” Her tone and expression were so childish and silly that I struggled to stop my self laughing. The dark look she gave me took all humor out of the situation. I tried calming the scene down by offering the settlement “We’re in the middle of an arena out numbering our rivals by one man so can we focus on the task at hand and sort out this overblown mess later.” “Just as long as that means we both forget the whole thing.” She stated so matter of factly that I almost forgot that had been my plan the whole time. She saw me looking at her, pulled a funny face stuck her tongue out and walked off towards Kormach who was dispatching the last victim, by slamming her into wall repeatedly asking after ever time for her to say mercy. Kormach was like that brutal in open combat but one on one he hated hurting people, like me really except I had learnt to ignore my feelings and do what was necessary. Rachel had reached him as the gibbering wreck he was holding stuttered out a mercy, placing her on the floor he turned to see Rachel next to him and Isabel heading in his direction. “We all finished here then. He asked blood dripping down his face from a cut just above his eye. “Just about” I yelled running to catch up as they headed for the door in the far end of the arena.
___________________________ We're all gonna die anyway ___________________________
Re: [Krion] Story boarding and needed help. what do you think.
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Can't Post
Here's a couple of tips that might help you get a bit more feedback from other visitors.
1) Always remember that people have a short attention span, so post smaller amounts, try and grab the readers attention immediately and leave them wanting to know what comes next.
2) Any chance you could post using a larger font size? It's pretty tough to read.
I know neither of these are offering constructive critcism about your writing, but maybe they'll help get more people to read it in the first place.
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